Merck Sable was nearing puberty. He woke up one morning with a small shiny bolt sticking out of his shoulder. He eyed it in the mirror, and checked his body for more signs of manhood. There were two wires sprouting from his chest, and his forehead was starting to look shiny with chrome.

Merck was so excited he ran to his desk. He rifled through it and found his wooden ruler. He lined up the zero to the end of his shoulder. The tip of the bolt reached two-inch hash mark.

Merck sang in the shower, using the shampoo bottle as a microphone. The label read: "Shampoo, lather, rinse, repeat if necessary." What the heck, Merck thought, and repeated it. He read the gel bottle: "May contain propylene glycol." I sure hope it does, he thought, as he squirted a double dose onto the puff.

After his shower, he squeezed a massive blob of toothpaste on his brush. He clicked his deodorant six times for each armpit for "extra coolant protection." He admired his mom, who used make-up and face lotion rampant with nutrients.

He skipped breakfast to pack himself a hearty lunch for school. He dipped his fingers into his baby sister’s peas and carrots made by Gerber. Despite the nourishing supplements, he thought it was disgusting, and left for school.

At lunchtime Merck met his friend Billy Pfiezer who had already grown two headlights for knees. Merck took out three Jiff peanut butter sandwiches, Canola oil tortilla chips, and a pint of milk fortified with extra Casein.

"Whoa, man, you must be hungry," Billy pointed out.

"Well," Merck said softly so no one would hear. "I heard Canola oil is good for you. There’s pure rapeseed in this stuff."

"Oh, I get it," Billy said. A crumb of extra-mercury tuna fish sandwich was on his lip. "You must have sprung a bolt."

"Shh. Don’t be so loud." Merck looked at the girls from the other table. "No one can be as advanced as you."

Billy laughed at him. "Look, squirt. There’s really no trick. Put Vaseline on your forehead every night. Shine you right up. That’s the nearest stuff to gasoline out there. Use your imagination. Spike your bubble bath with WD-40. And then slick your hair with tons of gel, sit back, and watch the ladies come.

After lunch Merck sat down for health class. He enjoyed the pungent aroma of motor oil and carbon monoxide while he waited for the teacher to arrive. He polished his forehead with the back of his hand, hoping the girls would notice how shiny it was.

The lecture for the day was on the 5^th food group– the Crude Oil group. Mr. Ford displayed a plastic model of the liver. "The liver is a vestigial organ," he said. "It is a throwback from our ancestors, the Homo Sapien Sapiens." Mr. Ford coughed up a little cloud of brown exhaust. Merck admired the color.

"This organ," he continued, "filters out vital nutrients like propylene glycol from the fifth food group. Many chemicals, which were toxic to Homo Sapien Sapiens, are now essential nutrients to us Homo Sapien Automobillus. The chemicals help us complete our development from purely organic creatures to the organo-mechanical hybrids we are. The liver posed a serious problem to the late Homo Sapien Sapiens. Americans, for example, loved their cars so much, they wanted to become them, but the liver prevented it. One solution was to introduce heavy metals and other chemicals into the body that the liver couldn’t filter. For example. . ." Mr. Ford set the liver down and picked up a pamphlet. He took down his glasses that had been resting behind his side view mirrors on his head and read: "They added lead, fluoride, arsenic, and chlorine to the water supply. Another solution was to inject chemicals directly into the veins of very young children: Mercury by way of the preservative Thimerosol; ethylene glycol, or antifreeze; phenol, a
disinfectant dye; benzethonium chloride, a disinfectant; formaldehyde, which they used in corpses; and aluminum. They mixed this soup with live or dead viruses, some from extinct diseases and flooded their children with these vaccinations.

"Even now, the liver still blocks digestion of essential petroleum products. In order to give the liver something to feed on, be sure to take plenty of Tylenol, prescription drugs, and alcohol. That way, the liver will work on these decoys and your body will digest more from the fifth food group."

After school Merck drove past a Chevron billboard that read: "Lead is back. Doing our part for the environment." Merck breathed in the dioxin-saturated air. He couldn’t wait to measure his bolt again.