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Links With Your Coffee - Sunday

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The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I'd stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I'd done to that poor family.

Then, one night, it happened: I lay alone in my cell, my only companion the visions of wickedness that filled my head. Suddenly, there was a light, and somehow the light spoke to me. It was the voice of Jesus Christ. He told me he had died for the sins of mankind and all could find peace through his salvation. Was I ready to repent?

Uh, let me think about that for a sec. Yup!

It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.

Now there's a dandy idea.

And once more Onion provides the real deal.

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Comments

And once more Onion provides the real deal.

Now we just need the real link. :)

Damn that Onion piece on finding Jesus is brutal. Too close to reality to be considered parody.

My exact thought. It's only the last sentence that clearly identifies it as parody. The rest could perfectly well have been the words of any actual born-again inmate.

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