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My Friend Jill

It's In The Wrist, Doll: Killing a mother is unforgiveable, so forgive me already. Please.

So I' ve been so sick. Sick almost to death and it's largely my own damn fault for my love of a good smoke. Even now, with oxygen and a gasp to die for, I suck on these fuckers like the teat of life itself. . .

We all have to answer to something, and having given up the traditional subjects of devotion as unworkable in my world, there are those people I love that I wouldn't hurt if I could help it.

And I wish I could help it. I'm a cipher. If I were my own judge, I would not be silent and sanguine, for killing a mother is an unforgiveable act. Yet I have to find a way to forgive myself so I can leave my children without a gaping maw where their ma used to be.

They deserve as much high minded positive projection as my soul can deliver, and frankly, I do too.

When we will draw our final breath is uncertain. It is however more certain for some, like my friend Jill, than for others. I only know Jill from her blog, her participation here and an ocassional email, but I think of her as a friend. In some ways we know those we meet online better than those in 'real life' since we meet them through the written word.

Jill says people tell her she's smart, and she is, and in the same breath, one that is increasingly difficult for her to take, she acknowledges that being smart is not enough. She doesn't apologize for the mistakes she's made in life, but faces them head on. Jill will be leaving us, not soon, but sooner than I would like, and certainly sooner than she would like. I'll miss her insightful, thoughtful comments but that's down the road a way. And who knows if I'll still be here then, or you who are reading this.

When my time comes I hope that I face it with as much honesty and grace as Jill. She asks those who love her to forgive her for killing a mother and that it is easy for me, for who of us leads a perfect life. I think her children will also find it easy to forgive her, though they'll miss her terribly. It's a good reminder to get the most out of each day for each one is a gift we should cherish.


 

Comments

In some ways we know those we meet online better than those in 'real life' since we meet them through the written word.

i don't think it's up to me, but i think this statement is philosophically pithy enough to be worthy of a 1gm forum category. i personally lean toward agreeing. :)

"killing a mother", referring to herself as a smoker, an essentially voluntary activity. whoa, heavy. yes, i'm a smoker. with kids. this is a tough one.

Surely, all of us have some addiction to which we may or may not confess but not all of these addictions will lead us to an early death. My father smoked himself into emphysema and ultimately death all the while telling us that his lungs were naturally congested and his smoking was therapeutic by helping him cough hard enough to clear them. A friend at work died of cirrhosis at the age of 59 from his many years of hard drinking. Some addictions are clearly deadly and we do know which ones those are. While there is help available to kick any addiction, one has to accept that they are indeed addicted and that they don't have the personal strength to kick that addiction. That's the hardest part; to admit you aren't in control of your destiny.

While there is help available to kick any addiction, one has to accept that they are indeed addicted and that they don't have the personal strength to kick that addiction.

I apologize if I am misinterpreting you, but I think this is a version of one of the more destructive things that ten steps spread. The whole higher power is needed stuff.

We all have our addictions and regularly make the choice to continue to do them when they are destructive to our lives.

With the exception of those drugs that offer possibly fatal withdrawal processes we always have the "strength". Not that i would accuse Jill or any other of a conscious decision necessarily. It's a mixture of emotion, unconscious thoughts, a confusing mix that bring one to value the comfort of the short term over all the things they could enjoy in the somewhat distant future.

this is certainly a heavy thread. first, my sympathies and sincere empathy to anyone struggling with any form of addiction. in the circumstances of my own life, i have known only a few people who never seemed to have this problem. i've had plenty of it myself, and i my family, and many good friends.

in re: recovery programs ("cults" to some) i have these brief observations. while i've seen 12 step programs work very well for some individuals, they don't work for everyone. i also feel it is precarious to suggest, as AA and similar programs do, that only acceptance of powerlessness can be the basis for recovery. while i am grateful for the good that 12 step work has done for some, including save the life of a close friend of mine, it angers me that the attitude and literature is absolute. in fact plenty of people have quit cigarets, alcohol, all manner of drugs, simply by quitting. how do you quit? by stopping. if you fall back into the habit, even repeatedly, quit again. don't be discouraged. and don't think you have to accept a "higher power" as your key to recovery. it's just one option. one personal means to an end. it angers me that "will power" is so completely dismissed in 12 step. will power is a wonderful thing, for some people. it can also be called discipline. if it works, then it works.

Jill, your blog really kicked my ass. I thank you for it and i humbly wish you the best in your journey. not knowing you personally, i feel presumptuous to offer feedback, but as you blogged publicly, i'll take that risk.

your loved ones will forgive you, i imagine they have and already do, and you should forgive yourself. i'm sure that's what they'd want for you as well. being human is a tricky business, with or without the many drugs at our disposal.

having struggled myself, with various demons of this nature, i can tell you this: if you stop, nothing bad will happen. drink a bunch of water and you'll go through some weird physical and emotional stuff, but it'll pass. what's left, without the distractions to your blood cells, is very refreshing indeed. after years of using all manner of substances, having one's blood a little cleaner every night when you go to bed, is a trip in itself. so instead of denying yourself a pleasure, you're offering yourself a different one.

ok, i don't know how much any of that applies to your situation and i apologize if it's way off track.

but i'll stand on the point about water! there is no human condition that can't be improved by drinking plenty of fresh water. our world of soda pop and hi-tech energy drinks and alcohol and coffee overlooks one thing: we're dehydrated, in the modern world, many of us, and we don't know it.

k, i'm off my soapbox. or water barrel =)

Thank you, amorphousblob, for that comment. Especially the parts that were "way off track". Darned good reading.

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