Shamelessly lifted in it's entirety from the best weekly newsletter for Democrats.

"And John McCain has a new slogan. Have you heard his new slogan? 'A Leader We Can Believe In.' See, that's a lot better than his old slogan. [Jay, wheezing]: 'I'll be okay. Give me a minute!'" --Jay Leno

"And Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had a secret meeting last night at Senator Dianne Feinstein's house. Feinstein said they sat in two comfortable chairs facing one another. And she also had a reclining Barcalounger and a blanket in case McCain showed up. So that was nice." --Jay Leno

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the National Intelligence director, only 30% of Afghanistan and its borders are under control by the government. Only 30%. Which sounds bad, until you realize only 20% of California borders are under control." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain said that he's in favor of change. That's what he said. McCain said, 'For example, I just switched from Cialis to Viagra.' A real change. Very nicely done." --Conan O'Brien

"Actually, Barack Obama also tried to call John McCain, but McCain had the TV up so loud, he couldn't hear." --Jay Leno

"There's no denying it, last night was truly historic. For the first time in the history of American politics, John McCain stayed up past 7:00 p.m. At McCain's rally, well over a dozen people electrified the atmosphere. After the third chant, they forgot his name" --Stephen Colbert

"Before we even get started, Barack Obama, of course, wrapped up the nomination last night. That's the big story. And now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"And former White House press spokesman Scott McClellan has written a book highly critical of the Bush administration. And while in Utah, President Bush told an audience he has not read McClellan's book. He doesn't plan to read it. It's nothing to do with McClellan, just general principle. It's a book. It's got big words, and not a lot of pictures." --Jay Leno

"Our vice president, our old friend, Dick Cheney got in some trouble, made a joke. Did you hear about this? Made a joke about West Virginia, but he apologized. He did apologize for the joke he made about West Virginia. Nothing yet on the Iraqi war." --David Letterman

"Hillary now says that she is winning the popular vote. And Al Gore said yeah, well, a lot of good that does." --David Letterman

"In his new book, President Bush's former press secretary said that Bush has a lack of inquisitiveness. Yeah. When he heard this, Bush said, 'I don't know what he's saying, and I don't care.'" --Conan O'Brien