Jon and Stephen at the Emmys

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Here is the transcript.

Jon: Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here tonight.

Stephen: Good evening Godless sodomites.

Jon: What are you doing?

Stephen: I’m bringing the Truth, Jon. We’re in Hollywood, the belly of the beast.

Jon: You can’t just … you can’t just read the prompter?

Stephen: I’m reading the prompter in here [points to heart]. You can read that pablum.

Jon: Award show banter is not pablum. [begins reading teleprompter] Reality television celebrates the human condition by illuminating what’s extrordinary in the ordinary world.

Stephen: It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

Jon: The results are often dramatic and often unexpected. We’re here to honor achievement in that category

Stephen: By giving you a golden Idol to woship. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD, BABYLON!

Jon: This is about the Manilow thing, isn’t it?

Stephen: I lost to BARRY MANILOW! BARRY MANILOW! I lost to the Copacabana! Singing and dancing is not performing. Wolverine I could have lost to, he’s got claws for hands! (To Jon) Can I hold one of yours?

Jon: No.