Distasteful, absurd, offensive, insulting, abusive, infamous, frivolous, grotesque, unfunny and plain stupid are some of the most common adjectives that have been used to describe the cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed published in a Danish newspaper a few weeks ago. Sense and sensibility are apparently the main virtues that an editorial cartoonist should now possess. So it seems that newspapers all over the world will soon need to hire new more ad hoc cartoonists. Therefore I took the liberty of writing the following job posting to help them find the “ideal” candidate.

Well-reputed newspaper looking for sensitive and sensible cartoonists

General description:

Individuals with high moral and aesthetic standards who conform with generally held views of what is acceptable, and who can make people with little or no sense of humor laugh.

Main skills/ characteristics

We want people who can put themselves in the other’s shoes (think for example what a monkey feels every time it is portrayed as George W. Bush. So the rule is: if you don’t like being offended don’t offend others).

We are looking for candidates who have something important to say and that if they don’t they just shut their mouths and use their pens to do something useful like scratching our editor’s back. *Note: Of course, by “important” what we really mean is TRIVIAL and/or NOT CONTROVERSIAL.

We need thoughtful individuals that can take full responsibility for their drawings and know when and how to apologize in case they hurt somebody else’s feelings (we like the kind of guy that sends flowers or a box of chocolates with an “I’m sorry” note before things get out of hand).

We want well-mannered artists who don’t need to use offensive words in order to convey an idea, words such as “bastard”, “jerk” or “fluffy” for instance (YES “fluffy” can be an insult in some Central American cultures you ignorant fools!) **Note: We apologize to all the ignorant fools reading this posting for calling them ignorant fools. We also apologize to anyone who has felt offended in any way by the use of the words “bastard”, “jerk” and/or “fluffy” in this ad. You’ll soon be receiving a box of chocolates with our sincere compliments.

Last but not least, we need objective persons with a proper sense of proportion and perspective who never exaggerate situations and other peoples’ defects and/or mistakes (NO large noses, fat buttocks and/or overstated remarks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). PLEASE ABSTAIN FROM APPLYING: People who have a tendency to make caricatures about touchy subjects such as religion, politics, football or knitting. Portfolios containing criticism of senseless violence would not be considered (remember terrorists are very sensitive folks and it is our editorial policy to avoid hurting other people’s feelings). Portfolios with work relating to scientific, gender, ethnic and/or race issues would also be disqualified (for instance, we are not allowing anything having to do with evolution or the “real” age of the Earth, and we consider characters such as Speedy Gonzalez to be racists and degrading for Third World mice. ***Note: Winnie-Pooh/Bambi kind of characters will be considered, although subjected to revision by a special editorial committee as these days anything could fire political radicalism and/or become a threat to authoritarian, yet friendly, regimes). . .