Cheney Shoots Michael Moore
Dick Cheney accidentally goes for the biathlon gold
By John Kenney
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot documentary filmmaker Michael Moore yesterday as Moore was walking out of a Manhattan Denny's.
A spokesperson for the vice president said that it was a ''complete accident'' and that Cheney felt ''horrible.'' The White House released a statement saying that the shooting was ''just bad timing. Vice President Cheney, who is well-versed in firearms safety, was merely sitting in a shrub, wearing camouflage, outside of a Denny's frequented by Mr. Moore.''
The statement went on to say that Cheney had been in the shrub for ''several days.'' Moore is said to have suffered only minor injuries and was released from the hospital.
In another bizarre accident, Cheney mistakenly shot every Democratic member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. A White House spokesman said that the vice president feels ''bad, but not that bad.'' An aide to Cheney said that the vice president ''happened to be in the committee chambers, under a chair, when he stood up to put on a pair of chaps, accidentally shooting the committee members, stopping to reload three times.''
Remarkably, the committee members were largely unhurt and are expected to make complete recoveries.
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The White House was put on the defensive again today when Air Force Two was forced to make an emergency landing 25 miles west of New York City after a loss of cabin pressure because of the accidental shooting of former FEMA Director Michael D. Brown and U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff.
Both men have recently come under criticism for their handling of the federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Cheney was said to be ''laughing, but also deeply concerned'' when he was awakened from a nap after accidentally shooting the men at close range.
Typically, shotguns are not allowed on either Air Force One or Two, but Cheney is, the statement said, ''a seasoned hunter and also planned to accidentally shoot both men.'' Both Brown and Chertoff are expected to make complete recoveries, although it remains unclear as to why Brown was duct-taped to the wing of the plane.
A White House spokesman later added that the vice president had been on his way to New York City to accidentally shoot New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.
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Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton miraculously escaped injury today after Cheney accidentally ran up to her motorcade and accidentally shot at her car. The White House said the vice president ''tripped.''
''These things happen,'' a White House spokesman said. ''Guns, while completely safe, are also dangerous.''
A member of the vice president's staff said Cheney apologized to the former first lady and potential presidential candidate in a handwritten note.
''I'm sorry I almost shot you. But know that I will try again and will also be sorry then, too. I like the sound a gun makes and the smell of the gunpowder. 'Flint' is a neat word.''
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John Kenney has just finished his first novel.
