New York, August 5,2004 - Bush Dumps Cheney

The headline "Bush Dumps Cheney" is on the front page of tommorows N.Y. Post Is it true? There is some reason to doubt , but here is what we've been able to discover so far. White House sources we contacted said it was possible that health issues would keep the Vice President off the ticket in November. The speculation has been that Cheney's heart is the problem, but Democrats are skeptical. "What heart", said Al Gore. In spite of the fact that Dick has suffered four heart attacks in the past and has an electronic gadget that keeps his hearts' rhythm going like an Ann Coulter sex toy, he assures us his heart is not the problem. "I replaced the battery just last week", he said. It's an Energizer® he added. Insiders say he is very near closing a commercial deal with the Energizer® folks. Dick would be a perfect spokesman said Energizer®, after all he headed the president's energy task force. Not since Dick convinced the President to go to war on a wing, a prayer, and the lies of dedicated pack of neocons, a lack of WMD notwithstanding, has Dick been in the object was such intense speculation. Dick Cheney, take our word for it, is considering withdrawing from the race not because of failing health but because he is pregnant. The first clue to his pregnancy was when reporters kept spotting him at the Ben & Jerry's a few blocks from his bunker trying out the latest flavor. When he got a littlel bitchy with Patrick Leahey the game was pretty much up. The Vice President has refused to confirm or deny the rumor, but then he has always had problems with the truth. Karl Rove is urging George to let the speculation continue. "It's helping our numbers with the women", he said. Everyone remembers the postpartum blues Dick suffered after he gave birth to Dub back in 2000. Those trying times raised questions about his ability to serve, and have fueled speculation that with his combative "Go Fuck Yourself" style he would be a danger to both himself and the nation. The General has provided inside information that Dick is on the verge of challenging Nancy Pelosi to a fist fight. Dick said, I know I can take her, I can. Nancy is not worried, when asked for a comment she said, "sticks and stones will break my bones but names..." The General has asked all of us to join him in prayer that Dick runs in spite of the pregnancy and that any fight with the California Senator be postponed until November 3rd. Our nation's future depends on it.