Original source unknown. If anyone knows who deserves the credit let me know.

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they
can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbee

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short,
hairy
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the
time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the
pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.