The “Me” Foundation Presents Awards
Each Winner To Receive $500 Million

Thu Sep 26, 6:28 PM ET

A somewhat unexpected winner, George Bush, has been developing new ways to explain why Imperialism is a good thing. I want to dispel the myth that imperialism is bad. I’ve been working on this ad campaign, but want to do it off the books if you know what I mean. The grant money will make that possible. Smart people know what's best for dumb people and I'm plenty smart. Now that George has been awarded the Grant he will be able to expand his work without the annoying scrutiny of the press I'll find more countries that need my guidance he said. Being recognized makes me feel special. I like me just the way I are. I’m a patient man and you can’t fool me.

Having this level of recognition of our work with bulldozers is wonderful, said Ariel Sharon another award winner. Ariel is a specialist at using tools in new ways. I'm thrilled with the opportunity to realize my dreams.

The “Me” Foundation has awarded the no-scruples-attached grants to those best equipped to use them since the beginning of time. It allows them to pursue their work without having to worry about anything.

The Foundation applies three criteria in deciding on winners. No scruples of course. An unwavering focus on "Me" and a record of prior accomplishments that show potential for future advances.

This years winners were announced Thursday. Potential grant winners are selected by hundreds of egotistical bastards; recipients cannot apply for the awards, but bribes are okay.

This year's winners include one British recipient, Tony Blair. "I have some original ideas about kissing asses." he said. Now with this grant I'll be able to find people willing to kiss my ass. Blair who has specialized in ass kissing is uniquely qualified to make important progress in this field.

It was really hard for me to get funding before "because well I’m Prime Minister and people think I have lots of money and there are a lot of ass kissers in the world, and everyone thinks he is an expert.” Tony promises to explore more unconventional ways of gaining favor. I thought the foundation just wanted me to kiss someone's ass. Then they told me about the grant I was just flabbergasted.

Another winner: John Ashcroft plans on working on his music career. “Do Eagles Soar” was just the beginning, he said. I have a song I’ve been working on, “Die When I Say So”, and the money from the grant will help me promote it. I have other songs I want to write. “Give Said The Little Stream” a song inspired by some prostate trouble I’ve been having. I think they’ll be great hits.

Dick Cheney the peripatetic Vice President hasn't decided how to use his grant. “I’m just tripping,” said Dick, The Foundation doesn't require or expect specific projects. I exceeded my travel budget last year. That’s one thing I won’t have to worry about again.

The youngest winner was Ann Coulter an aspiring journalist. I've always wanted to be accepted as a serious journalist, the money will allow me to finish some unfinished business I have with the New York Times building. This could lead to a Pulitzer prize winning story for me.

Friends have told me this will change my life. Perhaps! The ability to pay off my sources of information will make life easier. I’m finally free from any concerns about honesty and integrity. This is an incredible opportunity